I'm Thinking ... Arby's? :(

So I slipped up and had Arby's for lunch. 1 junior roast beef and 1 medium order of curly fries with a diet soda. I could sit here and list a million excuses as to why, like being out of the house and not having time to come home and cook before work, or not having time to wait at subway, but I'm not going to. I'm still within my calorie, fat, and sodium limits for the day, so I'm going to try to keep it that way. I made myself exercise this morning, even though I definitely did NOT feel like doing it. I did 50 minutes of Turbo Jam (a kickboxing/dance type workout). I took my vitamin this morning too and my breakfast was reasonably healthy (oatmeal and diet v8 splash). Somehow I need to eat just under 200 more calories though with less than 90mg of sodium, less than 4 grams of fat, and at 10 grams of fiber. Yikes! I may not make that happen today. I will do my best though. This sodium thing is tough! I never realized how many things are loaded with sodium! It's so bad for you though... makes you bloat/retain water. I'm trying to get away from it. Well, I better get going, but here's to hoping for not too terrible of a rest of today and a much better tomorrow!

The challenge has begun

I'm in a challenge with some friends from SparkPeople.com to help us improve our health and fitness. Goals of the challenge are:

1. Water - at least 10 cups (80 ounces) everyday.
2. Fruits & Veggies - at least 5 a day.
3. Sodium - Less than 2,400 mg a day.
4. Cardio Exercise: at least 30 minutes 5 days a week.
5. Strength Training: 20 minutes 2 days a week.
6. Flexibility/Balance Work - 30 minutes a week.
7. Ab Challenge - 20 crunches 3 days a week.
8. Sleep - at least 7 hours a night.
9. Relaxation - 15 minutes 7 days a week.
10. Food Log - 7 days a week.
11. Fiber - 25-35 grams 5 days a week.
12. Nothing to eat 2 hours before bed - 5 days a week.
13. Multi-vitamin - 7 days a week.
14. Accountability - Blog 7 days a week.
15. No alcohol - NONE.
16. Recipes - Try a new recipe each week.

So far today, I've done alright. So far I've gotten 4 cups of water, 3 fruits/veggies, 8.5 hours of sleep, relaxed, logged all my food so far, taken my vitamin, am blogging right now, and I know I will not drink today.

I'm having trouble with the fiber in relation to the sodium limit though. Everything has so much sodium! I never realized it before. I had some brown rice at lunch and normally salt it like crazy, but today I didn't use any salt at all. I've already had 1,490 mg of sodium today, but only 10 grams of fiber. I'm going to try to eat an apple at work tonight, because it's the highest fiber produce with the least sodium that I can think of, but it still will only give me about 4 grams of fiber. To get to 25 grams I'm going to HAVE to use a supplement. I'm just scared at how my body might, ahem, react... Haha. The sodium and fiber are going to be a definite challenge for me, but I'm going to do my best. Well, it's time for me to go pack some dinner for work tonight. Bye!

Just Give

I decided to help out the salvation army by choosing a child in need off the Christmas tree. I picked a 12 year old boy and bought him his "dream gift": a skateboard. I also bought him a helmet, elbow pads, knee pads, and wrist guards. If I can find enough money, I'm going to try to buy him some new shoes too, which it says he badly needs. I challenge anyone who reads this to do the same thing. Hopefully we can all brighten Christmas day for a lot of children this year.

I've been donating a lot lately, I gave to the ASPCA, St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, the Humane Society, and the Save Darfur Coalition. I could only afford to give $10 each, I hope my donation helped a little. I know if everyone would give just a little bit, it would add up to a lot of help! I also bought a t-shirt from the ASPCA. For those who don't know about just donating, if you do some of your holiday shopping through a site that donates some or all of the profit to charity, you are still helping! Consider this when you start thinking of Christmas or other holiday gifts from now on.

Finally, I don't know if I've mentioned it, but for those completely unable or unwilling to give money, you can still help in other ways. If you have time to volunteer at animal shelters, soup kitchens, food drives, etc. you are helping in a huge way! If you don't have that much time to give, but can find about 10 minutes a day, here's another way to help. The following sites are easy and FREE ways to help animals and people in need. Your daily click is funded by sponsors who give money to the charity designated by each site. Even if you don't have money, or time to volunteer, you should at least be able to find 10 minutes to click on these sites. Even 5 minutes would allow clicks on half of them. Clicking through even 1 of the sites would take less than a minute, and if you're online right now, I'm sure you have a few seconds to spare, so help out. Click today to help the following:

Hunger:
1. http://www.thehungersite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=1
2. http://www.hungerfighters.com/
3. (Click the wooden toy to feed the hungry in Poland)http://www.pajacyk.pl/

Breast Cancer:
1. http://www.thehungersite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=2&link=ctg_bcs_home_from_ths_home_sitenav
2. http://breastcancer.care2.com/

Children:
1. (Health)http://www.thehungersite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=5&link=ctg_chs_home_from_bcs_home_sitenav
2. (Literacy)http://www.thehungersite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=6&link=ctg_lit_home_from_chs_home_sitenav
3. (Children around the World)http://children.care2.com/

Animals:
1. (Shelter Animals)http://www.thehungersite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=3&link=ctg_ars_home_from_trs_home_sitenav
2. (Baby Seals in Canada)http://babyseals.care2.com/
3. (Ocean Animals)http://oceans.care2.com/
4. (Big Cats)http://bigcats.care2.com/
5. (Primates)http://primates.care2.com/
6. (Homeless Animals)http://pets.care2.com/

Earth:
1. (Rainforest)http://www.thehungersite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=4&link=ctg_trs_home_from_ths_home_sitenav
2. (Rainforest)http://rainforest.care2.com/
3. (Global Warming)http://www.thehungersite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=4&link=ctg_trs_home_from_ths_home_sitenav

Miscellaneous:
1. (Violence Against Women)http://stopviolence.care2.com/
2. (Rainforest, Endangered Animals, Pollution, US Wilderness, and more)http://ecologyfund.com/ecology/_ecology.html
3. (Poverty)http://www2.povertyfighters.com/
4. (Plant a Tree in Niagara)http://www.landcareniagara.com/
5. (Click to help the poorest of the poor in Africa, Asia and Central America. Click on the red "geef gratis een gift voor een straatkind" link.)http://www.woordendaad.nl/Index.cfm?ApplicationServer=WIS


Please share these links with your friends and family. Working together, we can make a difference in the lives of many.

Green

So, along with my efforts to lose weight, I'm also working on going green. I've been pretty successful so far. It's great because not only am I helping save the planet, but I'm saving money at the same time.

Here's what I've done so far over the past several months:
-Lowered my thermostat several degrees (for winter) and I raise it in the summer. I simply bundle up in sweats in the winter and wear shorts and a tank top in the summer. Who needs to walk around in their undies in the winter??
-Installed a low-flow shower head, and an aerator on the sink in the bathroom.
-Take shorter showers.
-Always wash clothes in cold water and use a drying rack and hang clothes up to dry instead of using the dryer, whenever possible.
-Keep lights off, and installed compact fluorescent bulbs in the rooms we use the longest (kitchen and bathroom).
-Keep things unplugged so they don't waste electricity when we don't need them to.
-Got a filter for the kitchen sink so we can drink water from it instead of buying bottled water.
-Recycle! I recycle plastic bottles/milk jugs/plastic bags, and newspaper. I wish I could recycle more, but that's all our recycling center will take. I try to reuse everything else!
-Don't eat meat very often.
-Save mail envelopes and such to use for scrap paper.
-Print on recycled paper from office computers. I don't buy new computer paper.
-Purchased a Diva Cup.
-Signed up for paperless billing statements for all my credit cards and utility bills.
-Wash and reuse plastic baggies for my lunch at work.

Here's what I'd like to do soon:
-Become a vegetarian. I don't eat much meat as it is, usually just chicken. I just need to transition the rest of the way.
-Walk more, drive less. I'm moving in January and will be close enough to walk to work and ride the bus to classes. I can even walk to get groceries and such. I won't need to drive much at all!
-Stop receiving so much junk mail. It's so wasteful and annoying. I will be filling out some paperwork soon to stop a lot of it.
-Donate all my old clothes that I no longer wear to charity.

Realizations

Some things, however unfortunate, have become very clear to me, and I need to accept them if I'm ever going to accomplish anything.

1. The only person I can truly depend on is myself.
-My problems are my problems and if I lack the motivation to fix them, how can I expect anyone else to be motivated to fix MY problems. The truth is, I've always wanted a "buddy" of sorts; Someone to encourage and motivate me along the way, to check in on me and help guide me to keep going. The truth is, everyone has their own issues to deal with and I can't be so selfish as to expect someone to push aside their own personal dilemmas to help me with mine. It's just not logical and I know this.

2. I can't tackle my two biggest issues at once.
-Not 100% anyway. I've been trying to lose weight and eat healthy, while trying to spend as little as possible and get out of debt at the same time. It's difficult when my body needs fresh fruits and vegetables, whole wheat breads, lean meats, etc. and when I eat out, Subway, in order to lose weight, but my bank account needs me to stick with cheap things, like Ramen Noodles, cheap white bread, and basically whatever I can get from the food pantry, and when I eat out, Taco Bell. If you get what I'm saying, these two worlds don't mix well, not 100% anyway. I have to put my number 1 priority as my health, and do it as inexpensively as possible, but still buying all the things I need to fuel my body and improve my health. Instead of giving 50% for each and being unstable at both, I will have to give 100% to my health, and just be mindful about clipping coupons for those healthy foods, and buying on sale and such.

3. If not now, then when?
-I'm currently the heaviest and biggest I've ever been. I'm clinically obese. I pray every night for God to help me become more healthy and lose weight. What I've been so blind to, is He has given me a huge opportunity and I'm just absentmindedly letting it pass by. I'm not in school right now, not until January. I tried to go up in hours at work, but they only give me 20.5 each week. I have to see that God is giving me an opening. I have more time to focus on losing weight now than I ever will again, and I have just over 2 more months to take full advantage of this time and appreciate what a wonderful gift in disguise He has given me. I was watching a movie the other day, "Evan Almighty", and despite how silly the movie may be, I really took to heart a line said by "God" in it: "Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?".

Goal Setting/Rewards

I've decided on my short term goals, my long term goal, and my reward for when I reach my long term goal:

150lbs by 11/1/07
145 lbs by 12/1/07
140 lbs by 1/1/08
135 lbs by 2/1/08
130 lbs by 3/1/08
125 lbs by 4/1/08
*120 lbs by 5/1/08*

When I reach my long-term goal of 120 lbs, I will get a personal trainer for 3 months to help me tone up and finalize my weight loss. I can't wait!

The Plan

So here's my plan, starting this morning:
Fitness:
Monday, Wednesday, Friday:
Walk 1 mile (15 minutes)
Turbo Jam Cardio Party (45 minutes)
Pilates (20 minutes) or 20 crunches + 20 pushups -> Before bed
Tuesday, Thursday:
Walk 1 mile (15 minutes)
Turbo Sculpt (40 minutes)
Saturday:
Walk 2 miles (30 minutes)

Food:
Breakfast:
High fiber cereal
Skim milk
Snack:
Fruit, Veggie, Protein
Lunch:
Lean meat and cheese on whole wheat bread
Small salad
Snack:
Fruit, Veggie, Protein
Dinner:
Baked/Grilled Chicken Breast
Veggie
Brown Rice
Snack:
Fruit, Veggie, Protein

We can't become what we need by remaining what we are. - Max Dupree

Reading this quote today really made me think. I can't expect change when I'm not doing anything to cause that change to happen. Be it exercising and eating healthy to lose weight; studying for tests, doing homework, and going to class to do well in school; or cooking meals instead of eating out, refraining from impulse purchases, and comparison shopping as often as possible to save money. All of these require changes in my behavior to accomplish. I can't logically expect my dreams to magically come true while I'm sitting around just wishing and praying for them to. I have to get up and get out there and make them happen! This week, starting TODAY, I'm going to have a goal to accomplish for each of those categories: I will eat a healthy breakfast and do at least 20 push-ups and crunches everyday, I will work on homework/study for at least 1 hour everyday, and finally I will eat at home everyday. Small steps, but eventually by adding more and more, I will accomplish all the changes and meet my goals.

Reality Check

I went to the doctor yesterday to get my thyroid re-checked. About a year ago, I went in because I was tired all the time, so the doctor ordered blood work from me, and found out I had hypothyroidism. In my words, it means my thyroid is lazy. I've been on Synthroid ever since. When I went in yesterday, I saw a new doctor (I use the health center at my college). He asked how I've been feeling since being on the medication. I'm honestly still tired, more like exhausted actually, and I still am having a hard time losing weight. He suggested I make an appointment to see a counselor there, because he felt I might be suffering from depression.

Depressed? Me? Well, I guess it's not totally out of the realm of possibilities. I have been especially down ever since my parents decided not to come to my wedding. Since then, I haven't been doing well in school, I cry a lot, and as I mentioned, am exhausted and want to sleep all the time. I made an appointment to start seeing a counselor at school next Tuesday, September 20th. Hopefully I can work through my issues and start feeling better. I had to fill out a long form, that included questions about what problems I would like to work on. I included "depression" on there, but also wrote down "emotional eating", as I feel I could use some help getting over my issues with food. I think my problems are all interrelated though. I am depressed over my family, which leads to me doing poorly in school, which leads to more frustration and sadness, which leads to my binges. I try to watch TV, movies, anything, and stuff my face to distract myself from the pain I feel when I think about things.

I really want to become a more positive person. I really am cynical when it comes to a lot of things. Some people truly believe that your attitude about things affects the outcome. If you think negatively, you're going to get negative results, but if you're positive, you will be successful. Well, I'm not sure exactly how much I by into that, but I do believe that how you feel about things affects your actions. Your actions directly affect your outcome. In that line of thinking, I guess your attitude really does influence your outcome. Perhaps I should try to think positively and confidently about my projects, and then perhaps I will act accordingly and be more successful. It's worth a try anyway, isn't it?

One small step back, one HUGE step forward

Well, yesterday I was actually doing very well with my eating. I had a healthy breakfast (high fiber cereal, skim milk, vitamin) and a healthy lunch (reduced-fat peanut butter and low-sugar jelly on whole wheat bread) and even did well when we went to grill out with my future in laws (fat free hot dog, wheat bun, vegetarian baked beans, and I even brought a big green salad for everyone, with light dressing). A few hours afterward though, I felt very hungry so I ate a lean cuisine meal, which was okay, but I didn't listen to my body afterward. We were watching television, and as usual, I munched on chips the entire time. They were baked lays, but I ate almost the entire bag (it was full before last night!) which was over 900 calories!

However, I am counting yesterday as an accomplishment, because instead of doing my usual routine of binging and then hiding the mostly empty bag in the cupboard (or throwing the container away if I ate it all) and pretending it didn't happen (and later being baffled as to why I'm not losing weight), I came online and logged it in. I'm so proud of myself because I feel for me, acknowledging my binges is only going to help me. I feel I've been in a state of denial for so long about my nighttime binging and coming clean about it is the only way for me to overcome it. So this is a huge step for me and I know that I will be able to get past this nasty little problem and I will be successful.

Turbo Jam

So, I own a zillion workout videos. Okay, not a zillion, more like 28 workout videos/DVDs. I've been doing workout videos for about as long as I can remember. I've never LOVED anything enough to stick with it though for more than a week or 2 at a time. I've owned lots of workout equipment too. Treadmills, bikes, gliders, weights, mats, a body ball, ab machines, resistance bands, you get the picture. I've also had a few gym memberships that never panned out for me. I shudder to think of all the money I've thrown away on trying to lose weight. Oh and the workout equipment expenses don't even include all the money I've thrown away on diet pills, healthy food that never got eaten (especially fresh produce that would always go bad before I ate it), unhealthy food that I'd throw away because I wanted to "start dieting" again. I've just been so wasteful! I'm ashamed to think of how rich I could be if I had lumped all of that wasted money into a savings account instead of blowing it.

However, it's all worth it if it meant finding the one workout that motivates like none other.

TURBO JAM

Chalene Johnson, the instructor and creator of Turbo Jam, is in one word, insane. Her pumped up energy and positive enthusiasm are outrageously contagious. She motivates and inspires like no one else ever has. The workouts are addictive and BELIEVE ME, they work! Do just one workout, even one of the shorter ones, and you will feel it tomorrow. I currently own 8 out of MANY turbo jam workouts and can't wait to own them all. Not because I get tired of any of them, but because they are just so addictive I want to use them all. I alternate them daily and each day I surprise myself with how much more my body can do than it could before.

These workouts help me stay active and they inspire me in the kitchen too. After working out so great, I can't fathom blowing it with junk food. I am inspired to eat to fuel my body for my next workout, because I know, I'll need all the energy I can get. Just this morning, I did the Fat Blaster workout, which is a super charged 30 minute interval workout, during which I drank an entire liter of water. There it is, half my daily water requirement, fulfilled! I LOVE Turbo Jam and when I finally reach my goals, I know I will be forever indebted to Chalene for inspiring me to keep going through the whole journey.

This is Hard Work

I'm currently reading a book called "101 'Answers' for New Teachers and Their Mentors" by Annette L. Breaux. One of the messages in there is so thought-provoking and I feel it applies not only to teaching, but to weight loss, college, and more. The message is as follows, but the word "teaching" could easily be replaced with "losing weight", "finishing college", "relationships", etc etc.

"Please understand that teaching is hard work! The road will be rocky at times. You will stumble and fall on occasion. You may even bleed a little. But understand, also, that nothing worthwhile comes easily. The rewards of teaching far outweigh the demands." This is truly something to think about no matter what goal you're trying to reach. As was asked in "The Girl Next Door", "Is the juice worth the squeeze?". It's important to evaluate what you want and if it's worth the hard work and demands that it takes to get it, then that's all you need to think about to motivate yourself when you're getting down.

I'll try to remember this when I'm tired of eating vegetables, tired of studying and doing hours upon hours of homework, tired of being pulled in a million different directions. The end result (being in great physical shape, starting my career, moving to NYC, getting married, etc.) WILL be worth all of the hard work I'm going to put forth. That is the bottom line, really.

Potholes

Well, I'm having a rocky start to my fitness plan. I'm still trying to get into the swing of things. I need to make sure I keep track of EVERYTHING I eat and make myself get in exercise daily. I'm doing well logging my food today so far, and I just need to make sure I fit in a workout at some point. The TV is occupied though, so I can't do a workout video, so maybe I'll do some crunches and push ups in the bedroom while I listen to my new Carrie Underwood CD. It's not really a new CD, but I just never bought it. I never liked her until after she got off Idol and I really love the style of her songs and the attitude she brings to them.

One great thing today was I finally got my internship assignment for the school I will intern at before I student teach in the spring. I'm really excited to get started tomorrow morning, but am a little nervous as well. I really don't know what compelled me to go into teaching. I've always been a shy person, not very outgoing or outspoken. I've also always been good at math though, so I guess I figured why not teach it? I do want to make a difference though and help kids succeed and strive to achieve their dreams.

I am having a little trouble in one of my classes though, so I think I'm going to set up a meeting with my professor, while it's still early in the semester, so I can get some help before I get too far behind. I'm taking 18 hours each week of classes, plus 12 hours each week in my internship, plus I work 20-24 hours each week. If it gets to be too much, work will be the first thing to go. I have a lot of grants and student loans this year so I can be taken care of if I need to quit my job so I can make sure I keep my grades up. School is my #1 priority right now, followed by my health. Work is somewhere at the bottom of my priority list, and as long as my job is an entry-level retail position that will not help me with my career, it will stay at the bottom of my priorities.

Future Endeavours

Yes, my first pressing goal is to get in shape. I want to be healthy. However, I do have other goals I will tackle in the future, some while I'm still working on my current goal. I am getting married on May 10, 2008. I want to do everything I can to make that day both wonderfully memorable and affordable. Another goal of mine is to finish college. I graduated high school in June of 2002 and through slacking off, stress about weight and family problems, and more, I let myself get further and further behind. I am currently aggressively working on this goal, as I am taking 18 hours of classes this semester, student teaching next semester, taking summer classes, and hopefully finishing up my final classes NEXT fall. After that, my next goal is to move to New York City. It will take a lot of saving up, research, planning, and adjusting, but I know I can do it. Much later down the road, I'd also like to have children and be a great mom, but I'll tackle that one when the time is right. I am confident that with lots of hard work and perseverance, I will accomplish all of these dreams and live a complete, fulfilled life and never again regress to what I once was.

Current Events

Unfortunately, I still haven't lost weight. I have actually gained quite a bit, and am up over 30 pounds higher than I was back when I was trying to lose weight. I have tried several diets and workout programs, but haven't been successful yet. The main thing I have made sure of though, with whatever I've tried is that I will not eat less than 1200 calories a day. I will not do anything unhealthy to my body, which includes diet pills.

I am currently, as of this morning, 5'0", 152 pounds, and my measurements are 39"-33"-42". I am no longer striving to get down to a ridiculous number on the scale, or be a size -00. I just want to be healthy. I don't want to have health problems. I currently have hypothyroidism, hypoglycemia, Gilbert's disease, and who knows what else. I want to get rid of all my medicines and just be healthy. I want to be able to get up from my chair without feeling out of breath. It's that simple. I just want to be healthy.

To accomplish this I plan to keep a journal of everything I eat. I love Sparkpeople.com for logging my daily food intake and exercise minutes. I plan to eat healthier, including more fruits and vegetables in my daily food intake, but still will basically eat what I want. Nothing will be off limits. I have to simply re-learn what it feels like to be full. I will eat until I'm full and then be finished, no regrets. I will exercise regularly too. Exercise is good for so many reasons, only one of which being weight loss. The biggest reason I love it is for stress relief, which I need daily.

I know that with lots of hard work and perseverance, anything is possible.

Ancient History

Growing up, I wasn't a "heavy kid". I hit puberty at a young age, which caused certain changes, namely breasts, that caused me to suddenly become very aware, and eventually ashamed of my body. I wasn't fat though. I was just very, VERY well endowed upstairs. This all happened the summer before sixth grade though, which meant when I started middle school, I was very unprepared for the teasing and low self-esteem to come. The teasing in middle school about my breasts, along with the unwanted male attention that made me very uncomfortable, caused my self-image to change drastically.

I honestly never thought about my body before this. I didn't think of myself as fat or skinny, pretty or ugly. I had no concept of body image at all. Shortly after I began sixth grade, however, I became all too aware of how other people looked at me. Guys payed a LOT of attention to me, but seeing how I wasn't "there" yet with liking boys that way, I didn't like the attention. It made me feel like a sex symbol and was all too uncomfortable. Getting whistled at and dirty stares from grown men made me feel even worse.

I didn't get much support from girls either. For the most part, they either teased me about my bra size, or ignored me, annoyed by all the "undeserved" attention I got from the boys. I couldn't stand it. I suddenly became too aware of my clothes. I buried all my tank-tops and fitted shirts in the back of my closet and started wearing too-large shirts to hide my large breasts. I chopped off my hair and started wearing baggy jeans instead of shorts. This did the trick. Soon, instead of having unwanted degrading attention from boys, the only attention, if any, I got was from boys laughing behind my back talking about me needing to join "Jenny Craig" or the like. I was successful at drawing attention away from my breasts, but now I simply looked fat, as I was hiding under my bulky shirts and sweaters.

Then I turned to food. I really can't remember when I started using food to comfort myself, but I know I had serious issues. I'd eat for hours non-stop while watching television at night, dreaming that I could look as wonderful and be as confident as the television idols I loved to watch. When getting home from grocery shopping, I'd gorge myself, sampling everything we just bought. Cookies, cakes, chips, candy, I couldn't drag myself away from all these fulfilling treats. The sugar high made me feel good, albeit only temporarily, and forget about how miserable I was. Soon, I'd feel guilty and start exercising like crazy or turn to dangerous methods like starving myself, or even purging after eating. I hated what I had become and didn't know how to get my life under control.

I think I was 15 or 16 when my father first purchased diet pills for me. I had been begging him, as he used them because he too, was overweight. I reasoned with him that at the doctor's office, she admitted I was overweight and should drop a few pounds. Xenadrine became my favorite drug. It erased my cravings, usually because it made me too nauseous to even think of food. It gave me crazy energy, which fueled my workouts. It helped. I lost weight. Eventually, ephedra was declared illegal, and my friend was gone. The new versions of Xenadrine just didn't work like the ephedra-filled ones and I soon gained the weight back with interest.

Then, I hit my lowest point. I was out of control. I would turn to extreme diets and excessive exercise, then use bulimia when I lost "control" and binged on my comfort foods. I pushed my friends far, far away as I slipped further and further into a very dark place. I began to resent my friends who were thin and pretty. Why couldn't I be like them. Why did I let myself eat and eat and get fatter and fatter. I really wasn't THAT overweight. I was actually within a healthy weight range for my height. I eventually got breast-reduction surgery, which I thought would help improve my body image, but actually made it worse in ways. Now, my stomach instantly looked bigger, as my breasts were much smaller. I hated my stomach, my thighs and my butt. I felt huge. I did not like myself. I hated the way I looked, and even more, I hated the way I was treating my friends and the people who cared about me. I just couldn't stop myself or let go of my obsession. I even thought about suicide but couldn't go through with it. I am a Christian and was too scared I'd end up in hell forever for doing that, although part of me believed I deserved it for being so horrible to everyone.

I really can't explain why or how it happened, but somehow, with the help of my fiance, something in me just clicked. I was treating people horribly, somehow blaming them for the things I hated about myself. One of my closest friends couldn't take it anymore and flat out told me she didn't want anything more to do with me. I think that might have been what snapped in me. I was ruining my life. I was hurting people I cared about. I had to stop the vicious cycle.

I began researching everything I could about eating HEALTHY. I stopped purging right then and there. I stopped saying negative things about my body. I became instantly aware of how everything I said and did affected others and started making sure I thought before I spoke or acted. I vowed to get as far away from the person I had become as I possibly could. And I did.